


Something I Can Never Have

by CurrentlyObsessed



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Break Up, Inspired by Nine Inch Nails, M/M, Song fic, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, obviously, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 05:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14763953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurrentlyObsessed/pseuds/CurrentlyObsessed
Summary: Inspired by Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails-"You make this all go awayI'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself"





	Something I Can Never Have

_I still recall the taste of your tears_  
_Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears_

Dan could remember it visibly- the tears that streamed silently down Phil’s face as the last words of venom shot out of Dan’s mouth, words he didn’t even really mean.

“I think” Phil had said, slowly heavily after a moment of silence, “That we need a break”.

Dan felt as though he had been slapped. The air in the room thinned and neither of them dared to move for what seemed like hours, both of them just sitting quietly, trying to come to some sort of resolve for the situation.

It never came- only a cab that came to take Phil to his parents house a few days later, leaving Dan alone in the apartment.

Their apartment.

The apartment.

 

_My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore_  
_Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore_

It had been two days since Phil left but Dan hadn’t managed to sleep for more than four hours. The silence of the flat was building pressure in his ears and even hidden under his blanket, there was no escape.

Phil’s lips, his hands, his slender hips, the way his stubble would rub against Dan’s face when they kissed in the morning filled his head every time he attempted to close his eyes. Every detail of Phil, from birthmarks to scars he got as a kid played out perfectly in Dan’s mind, not letting him forget that his bed was too empty. Not letting his escape the loneliness.

At this point he wasn’t sure if he ever deserved to.

 

_You make this all go away_  
_You make this all go away_

Dan was beginning to realize just how dependent he had been on Phil, his sudden absence stealing away any sense of a routine he once had- habits, good ones, that he worked hard to put in place, ones he never would have managed to make without Phil.

But now Phil was at his parents house while Dan laid miserably in bed, unable to will himself to get up to shower or even eat and it was all Dan’s fault.

Dan’s fault. Dan’s fault.

Phil wasn’t there to help him escape the darkness of his mind, hell- Phil was escaping him. All Dan wanted was to hear his voice, read a fucking text message, something that would give him a piece of hope to hold on to but Phil had gone on radio silence.

And that’s the fucking thing with dependency; you never really realize how fucked you are until they’re gone.

 

_I'm down to just one thing,_  
_and I'm starting to scare myself_

The room was titled in a disturbingly familiar way and Dan could barely get his eyes to focus on his own fucking hands in front of him.

There was an empty bottle of cheap alcohol on his bedroom floor and he was reminded of his younger self- The Dan before Phil, who had given up on creating and acting and accepted that life had no fulfilling purpose for another broken kid.

The Dan that quit taking drama classes and skipped school to get drunk with people he didn’t even care about and the Dan that applied for law simply because it sounded good and he had given up on dreams.

Kids don’t normally know anything about the ‘real word’ or how life works but apparently Dan had and he was beginning to realize that as the alcohol in his stomach turned. Dan had spent so much of his young life trying to get away from reality and here he was again, trying to drink away the truth that was in front of him like he was still fucking 16 years old.

Phil was the one goddamn thing Dan had in his life and now he wasn’t even sure if he had that. It’d been 3 weeks since Phil had left and Dan was getting scared.

Scared he ruined the one good thing in his life and scared of himself because he couldn’t fucking handle it.

 

_You make this all go away_  
_You make this all go away_

To: Phil (3:12am)  
i’m sorry

To: Dan (2pm)  
I know.

 

_I just want something_  
_I just want something I can never have_

Being a dreamer had always been Dan’s biggest fault in life- it meant that when reality hit, it hit too fucking hard.

He had created a safe little world behind Phil, behind the camera, behind his self-deprecating jokes and short temper. A world that in hindsight, was never going to last, but it still hurt.

It hurt so fucking bad because wanted it to Work. He wanted Phil, he wanted YouTube, he wanted it all and got nothing instead because fuck, he probably should have just gone to law school.

Phil.

Dan truly only wanted Phil.

And Phil wasn’t here.

 

_You always were the one to show me how_  
_Back then I couldn't do the things that_  
_I can do now_

It had been Phil that taught Dan how to cook pasta, how to change a light bulb, how to work a fucking laundry machine, basic things that his parents were too busy to ever do- life lessons he relied on his boyfriend to learn.

So Dan made pasta and threw in a load of laundry but when the hinges on the door needed replacing, Dan had no clue how to do it and no one to show him.

Until it occurred to Dan that he could just fucking google it but when he did figure it out, it was far from a satisfying experience and he wasn’t really sure if he learnt much at all.

 

_This thing is slowly take me apart_  
_Grey would be the color if I had a heart_

To: Phil (1:31am)  
fuck you. i hate you

To: Phil (1:40am)  
how could you just leave me?

To: Phil (2:21am)  
i didn’t mean any of that. im sorry. i don’t know why i get like that.

To: Phil (4:02am)  
you deserve better.

 

_In this place it seems like such a shame_  
_Though it all looks different now, I_  
_know its still the same_

To: Dan (6pm)  
I stopped by the apartment today. Guess you were out.

To: Dan (6:20pm)  
I could tell that you’ve been sleeping in my bed.

To: Dan (6:37pm)  
You should really clean up the place.

 

_Everywhere I look you're all I see_  
_Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be_

Dan tried cleaning the fucking flat. He tried so he could text back Phil saying,

“I did it! We can pretend everything is nice again, please come home!”

But all of their things were still so fucking intermixed and some things he didn’t even know if they belonged in his room or Phil’s and each attempt ended with tears and a new bottle of alcohol on floor.

If he drank enough, the room would distort and spin and Dan would pretend that the mess, the problems, belonged to someone else. He’d fantasize about setting the whole fucking apartment on fire and let the memories go up with the smoke. All of their possessions, completely gone. Dan, completely free.

But that wouldn’t happen and he would never do it.

Because Dan still fucking wanted Phil.

As a kid, his parents had often told him that “You can’t always get what you want” and Dan only now beginning to accept that maybe he’d always want things he couldn’t have. He took another sip of his drink and let the hard liquor burn the back of his throat as tears bitterly dripped down his face.

He wanted to be happy.


End file.
